Anonymous asked: thoughts about getting back together with an ex?

I think that really depends on how the relationship ended in the first place. There’s a part of me that wants to say that ex’s are ex’s for a reason but honestly I know that the ‘reasons’ can sometimes be ridiculous. I suppose as far as I’m concerned, its all about personal preference but if it were me I would just remember why it didn’t work out the first time and keep a bit of distance to avoid getting hurt - Constance 

Per usual, Constance makes a good point. Consider where things left off, and why things ended. I, personally, would only go back to someone if I found they had truly changed in a way which would affect my interaction with in a relationship. However, if you feel your ex - whether they’ve changed or not - is right for you again (perhaps you’vechanged), then I just encourage what I encourage for any relationship: TALK ABOUT IT. Especially if they are your ex, consider the importance of reestablishing that communication early in your relationship so if things start to go like your first relationship with them, perhaps you can talk your way into a better position. Also, consider having a chat about what didn’t go right the first time. Granted, this will be easier for some people. Some people know what went wrong, and some people are very willing to talk/hear about it. If you think that is the case, consider opening up that dialogue and seeing how your ex viewed the breakup - you may learn things about yourself you hadn’t expected, but you also may some less-appealing things that will remind you why they are your ex.

Hope that helps, and best of luck! -Nolan 

Pan Problem at Practice

 today at practice the boys were being dumb (what’s new, the boys on my team are always dumb) and when coach said “boys on offence” they retorted “how can you tell?”. She said “boys have penises, girls have vaginas” which resulted in some of the girls talking about the article about trans*people that was in the paper the other day which lead to laughter. I sat there not knowing what to say, especially because I am out to all of them as pansexual.  I didn’t take it as a personal jab, but how do you handle that? I feel like I betrayed all my p.l.i.s and want to handle it better the next time it comes up.

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silverslices asked: I'd like to know what the two of you think about friends+. Like friends with benefits, except I'm changing the name of it to friends+. It's what I want, and I'm pretty sure it's what he wants, but I have one set of friends saying go for it and one set saying it's not a good idea. What do you think? If I do go through with it, do you have any ways I could guard my heart against wanting more?

Let’s take a moment to look at this closer:

You say you’re pretty sure it’s what he wants. Have you talked with him directly about it? Have you brought it up. Part of being in a Friends+ relationship is being honest about it - not hiding when you start having other feelings, not hiding your problems as much as you might in a traditional relationship (in my opinion). So be blunt - bring it up and talk it out.

Then - what are your motives for this Friends+ gig. I don’t want to suggest possible motives, but I want you to really take some time and figure out why you are getting yourself into this deal, because….

Very often, these kinds of relationships end one-sided. That is not to say these are bad relationships, and that is not to say you should avoid them. HOWEVER, very often, one person will find themselves more emotionally invested. But how could you not - you are already friends, meaning you find them to be a person whom you already find common ground with. You include a physical relationship, then what do you have left but MORE than just Friends+?

The best advice I would have for keeping it physical is minimizing how much you use him as a ‘support friend’, I will call it. If I were you, I wouldn’t go to him when I’m feeling blue and want someone to talk it out with. I wouldn’t go to him when I’ve had a bad day and need the emotional lift. I would get that from my other friends, then go to him later and be like “I had a shitty day, but I’m feeling better. Let’s get jiggy.”

With that in mind, I say again: KEEP IT HONEST. If you find yourself getting feelings, let him know. He may find he has similar feelings, or he may see that it’s not fair to you to continue with the Friends+ relationship when you are wanting more but he’s not looking for more.

I hope, whatever you decide, that it works out. Lord knows we all could use some sexy-time to keep our minds elsewhere once in awhile. 

-Nolan

theelaura asked: I've asked two questions on here and every time I've gone annon and really I don't know why. I recently asked the question about my co-worker not being ready for a relationship. I just think that this blog is amazing. You two do a wonderful job answering questions and I seriously wish I had friends like you in real life, because your advice is pretty much better than anything my friends would ever give me. What I'm trying to say is, thanks for taking time to help people you don't even know.

Oh, gurl, that means so much to me. While my partner in crime doesn’t do much writing on this blog anymore, she’s my emotional backer, haha.

I’m glad what I have to say helps - I guess that’s one thing I’m doing right. :D

Cheers, Nolan

Anonymous asked: There's this guy I've been wanting to see and I managed to work up the courage to give him a small kiss after a couple of dates.He knows how feel about him and when I asked him, he told me he wanted time because he's been traumatized by a his ex and doesn't want to jump into something he isn't sure of. A few days after the kiss,we got intimate over the phone but its been about two weeks since I've heard from him. I've always been the one to initiate the conversation, what should I do?

Ah, rough, but I like where your head seems to be with this.

You have two options, as I see it:

You let him come to you. This isn’t a control thing, or to see if he’s really interested. See how long it takes, see how he does communicate with you after this pause - see how he handles it. That way, you can see if his reaction is appropriate for the level of caring he seemed to display before, or if he seems more or less interested. If his interest level has changed, perhaps suggest a light date (lunch or something) and casually bring up relationships. But that gets into a whole other scenario.

You other option is to spear-head this yourself. Get in touch with him, see what he’s been up to, be supportive if he sounds like he needs it, etc. But now that you’ve initiated this round, you are the one who really has the power to bring up a relationship. BUT before you do, really think about what you want from a guy who isn’t quite able to commit yet. Maybe tell him you just want to get to know each other as good friends, and when he feels right, they can take it further. Or, take the sexual route and say you’d like to be sexually exclusive with him, but continue to work on getting to know each other before really re-labeling the relationship as something different.

Either way, I think you will have to be the one that brings up the convo about a relationship again. But like I said, be sure to do it in a way which doesn’t pressure him to make a decision. He’s been honest with you, and that’s a good thing. So take that honesty and work with it - see if you can’t help him trust you more and feel comfortable to the point where he isn’t just okay with being in a relationship, but he actively wants to be in one.

But that takes time - so be patient, no matter what.

Cheers.

Anonymous asked: I like my co-worker and he likes me. We hung out two weeks ago, got drunk and ended up sleeping together. A week later we repeated the same events. I asked him what we were doing and he said "I really like you, but idk if I'm ready for a full on relationship and I don't want to lead you on and I want you to know that. That being said I am willing to try things." He also said he doesn't just want to be fuck buddies, because he likes me too much for that. I have no idea what all this means.

Oh, whoa whoa.

Firstly - try hanging out without the booze. See how well he can control himself then.

But let’s look at what he’s saying - he’s not ready to commit to a relationship, and he doesn’t wanna be FWB. Yet, he has no problem sleeping with you twice? Granted, his lack of commitment may not be exclusive to you - he may not be able to commit to anything with anyone right now, and you are the lucky person who has gotten his attention. But then there has to be a reason for his attention towards you, and if he is interested enough to engage in sex and vocalize his feelings for you, then why can’t he step up and commit at least to the idea of something more…

You have a couple of options, as I see it:

You can tell him to figure it out. Tell him the feelings are mutual, but you don’t want to keep this thing going, whatever it is, unless he is really on board with keeping it real and honest. And if he hates the ‘label’ of a boyfriend, then don’t use it - but do establish that your relationship is serious and, if necessary, exclusive.

You can let things keep going as they are, and ‘let the chips fall where they may.’ With this approach, you just continue, no conversation, not much to deal with - just business as usual. If sex comes up again, feel free to take it. If he makes a move to be more serious, go for it. This option pretty much gives in to your impulses, and some people trust their impulses enough to do this. Personally, I think this is avoiding the issue - that he likes you enough to tell you and have sex with you, but not enough to commit to more. 

You can make the decision - though this obviously has some flaws. You figure out how much you like him, if you are really interested in him, and then YOU make the call. You ask him out, you make the moves, etc. When it comes time for it, say that you’ve enjoyed the time you’ve spent together, but say you would like to make this more serious. And, fyi - serious can range from, exclusive fuck-buddies to all-but-eloping to get married, so ‘serious’ might not mean the same thing, so have an idea of what you want ‘serious’ to mean.

Personally, as I’m someone who like to have a little control over what’s going on, I would go with the first or third option. Especially since you know he interested, you don’t have a whole lot to lose by getting to know him a bit better and making a decision yourself. But if he had enough confidence in his feelings to tell you how he felt, then I don’t think you are wrong to ask him to think a little more about it and decide where he want’s to take this - because he’s trying to have his cake, eat it too, but say he didn’t want to eat it to begin with. And that’s just not honest.

P.S. - This blog still accepts your thoughts and concerns. I’m always a listening ear if you have something you want my thoughts on.

weeves asked: This kid and his girlfriend just broke up and I'm wondering how soon is too soon to try and get with him (to put it eloquently). I'm not looking to be a rebound and I know everyone is different and all that, I just wanted other opinions. Thanks :)

Well, you are right - everyone is different. Some people get over their relationships pretty quickly. Try and assess where he’s at - is he flirting with other girls? Is he pretty upbeat? Is he hanging out with his friends the same as usual? If things seem to be pretty average, then I would say you are good to go after a 2-3 weeks. I know that may seem like a lot, but a lot less than that and I feel like you will be that girl who ran after him as soon as he was available. Give it some time, but get closer to him to be sure no one else snags him from you.

If things aren’t so awesome, then you have two options. Let him deal with it through his closest friends and jump on him when he’s recovered OR be the person to help him get over the other girl, and then magically turn into his next boo when the time is right. The choice is completely yours, and I have no advice either way - because no matter your choice, you’ll learn some valuable lessons. 

But approach it with a little caution but don’t worry too much about being the rebound. If you make you intentions clear and you are honest and open about yourself and what you are thinking, then you won’t be the rebound. You’ll either be his next girl, or you won’t be more than a friend.

:D

Hope that helps!

-N

I answered this on my regular blog earlier, but I thought it would be good to share it here, too:

I’ve started seeing this guy and it’s great. I’m really starting to like him, a lot but last night he told me he doesn’t want to tell his parents that I exist. Because they don’t know he’s “bi”. He doesn’t think he’s going to tell them for awhile and while I totally understand, I don’t want him to do something he isn’t ready for, I hate hiding. I hate it. I refuse to do it. And it annoys me that he wants to but then I feel bad for being annoyed because I know what it’s like to feel the need to.

- shawnandthemachine

And you couldn’t ask this on my advice blog? :P

But:

Think of it this way - if he is willing to be faithful to you, work to keep the relationship going, and be a great guy, then why does ‘telling his parents’ have anything to do with it?

Yes, I know parents can be a big part of some people’s lives. AND if they are a huge part of his life, then you have to ask yourself why he can’t tell them, since (I personally believe) very involved parents are more likely to be open-minded.

But don’t think of your lack of existence to his parents as ‘hiding’ - what he is doing is keeping his private life private. His parents don’t need to know who he’s seeing. I mean, after you both have been dating for awhile (give it 6 months, maybe) then I think you are justified in bringing it up on a regular basis. But at this early stage? No. You are just demanding attention that isn’t needed, especially when it’s attention he isn’t comfortable with yet.

Give it time. Play it quiet for awhile, and see how things pan out. If you find you can’t stand being that quiet about it, then let him know. But don’t approach it like ‘come out or we break up’, obviously - that’s just not cool. But instead make it clear that you want to be a more complete part of his life, and for that reason, you think it might be best to let things cool off for a bit until he is ready to come out to his parents. 

So, I hope that kind of helped. In summary:

Private life is private, and you’re just asking for unnecessary attention.

If you can’t handle, then consider back off a bit on the ‘relationship’ concept. (But still support him, since he has a hard decision to make.)

You are still in the early stages - give it some time before you start getting antsy about his declared sexuality.

Cheers, hope this helped. :)

Anonymous asked: how do you get over someone who was a great partner? they left the relationship completely respectfully and it was for the best, but now I feel like it maybe they set the bar too high.

They set the bar too high? WTF is that bullshit.

No. YOU are worth someone who treats you RIGHT. If you think the other person pampered you, then ask yourself if that was the best thing for you. I mean, yes, it is nice to have someone dote on you, but is it something that would’ve been sustainable over a long-term relationship?

Believe me, you will find that person who treats you perfectly again. No, they won’t treat you the same as your ex, because they are different people. But your new partner will treat you in ways your ex didn’t treat you, and you’ll find yourself appreciating what the two people had to offer separate from each other, and not in comparison.

As for the ‘how do I get over them’ question? That is something I cannot help with. Each of us has our own ways of coping with the loss of someone who meant something to us. Personally, I cling to everything that moves. I search for relationships that don’t exist and I make friends with people who I really don’t get along with - and then once I’m over that person, then I realize that I was being clingy and needy and I politely return back to normal. haha

But what I CAN say is this - use your friends for support. They know and understand how you work, and they will be your first line of defense in helping you get over your ex. But remember - you don’t need to ‘get over’ them - they were a part of your life and they had a clearly positive impact. Consider them a great lesson in your life and look forward to the next lesson your next partner will have for you.

Cheers.

-N